101 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do In Camelot
by Hope You Will Always Stay
Summary: 101 things that nobody is allowed to do in Camelot. Because lets face it, if you were, poor Uther would be getting interrupted every time he opens his mouth and things would go missing from the armory more often than not.
1. I Am Not Allowed To Interupt Uther

_1. __I am not allowed to interrupt Uther's 'Magic is Evil' speech when he is about to execute someone because he is just saying the same things over and it's truly tedious._

"This woman, Karen Johnson, has been guilty of conspiring with enchantments and magic. And pursuant to the laws of Camelot I, King Uther Pendragon, have decreed that such practices are banned on penalty of death."

King Uther's voice rang out in the court-yard; the crowd was so quiet you could hear a pen drop. The guards escorted a young woman with messy blonde hair to the chopping block. A girl in the crowd smirked waiting for the right time to speak up.

"I pride myself as a fair and just king," Uther continued "but for the crime of sorcery, there is but one sentence I can pass. When I came to this land, this kingdom-"

All of a sudden a loud shout came from a girl, only 13, in the audience successfully cutting the _oh so mighty_ King of Camelot off. She had her long brown hair hanging down to her shoulders and her hazel green eyes narrowed in annoyance.

"We know!" she scrunched up her face and then declared in a rather good impression of Uther's voice "was mired in chaos but, with the people's help, magic was driven from the realm!"

The crowd was gaping at her and the guards were pretty much in shock. Uther's mouth opened and closed several times but before he could sentence _her _to death she continued.

"You need to be more original! Maybe something like…oh I don't know 'Magic is evil! Stop using it you idiots!' how about that? Or, um, maybe you could have some fireworks-"

"SEIZE HER!" Uther shouted and the guards snapped out of shock and took out their swords.

"Humph. Well, I was just trying to keep you from boring your own subjects to death! Then you won't have anyone left to execute!"

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**_Ok! Here is chapter 1, revised edition! I added the fireworks thing cause me and my friends were talking about how funny that would be. Thank you all for reading!_**


	2. I Am Not Allowed To Hide Arthur's Sword

_2. __I am not allowed to sneak in the armory and hide Arthur's sword just before training with the knights because we all know he will blame it on Merlin._

The armory was truly a sight. Weapons hung on walls, in racks, on shelves and all were razor-sharp. A girl with brown hair pulled into a tight braid was searching the sword racks, looking for one in particular.

"Ah, here it is!" she muttered

King Arthur's sword, Excalibur, stood out in the rack of weaponry on the far left. Its golden handle gleamed as she picked it up. Words carved into the metal blade burnished in the breath of the Great Dragon caught her eye.

"Take me up, and cast me away." She murmured, reading the intricate writing "Bloody hell, that overgrown lizard has to be confusing doesn't he?"

The hazel green-eyed girl looked around the room for a hiding place for the sword. She looked up at the ceiling and smirked. The air vents.

She quickly ran over to the table on the other side of the room and climbed up on top of it. Setting the sword down momentarily, she took both hands and grabbed one of the bars. With a deep breath she yanked the barred cover on the vent off. Grabbing the sword she crawled up in the large metal vent, which was difficult since the vent was rather high up. Seriously, why didn't the person take into account that someone would need to hide a sword up there?

Of course, the vent was only for air to get to other rooms in the castle so no one would ever look in there. She set the sword down carefully and jumped down. Dusting non-existent dirt off her _borrowed _and so not stolen maids dress, she made sure the sword wasn't visible and left the room.

Minutes later, she was hiding behind a pillar and watched as King Arthur Pendragon entered the Armory. She covered her mouth with her hand to hide the smile that was on her face as a loud shout came from the room.

"MERLIN!"

It was quiet when all of a sudden the Once and Future King came barging out of the Armory. He was muttering incoherent things and seemed slightly insane. She caught a few snippets when he stormed past "Worst servant, why the hell haven't I fired him..." and "He's probably in the tavern".

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**_Big Thanks to: BookDragon87, Tolleren, SapphireShelle91, BlackBandit111, TARDIS BLUE PROPHET, superster, voldyismyfather, tchutchu94, Rose-MaxareBadass, Imagination Queen, AnotherNamelessAuthor, HakuHunterNatural, WiseGirl747, youngjusticefanatic, SailorShadow101_**

**__****_Okay! Chapter 2, revised edition! I realized there wasn't that much funny about this chapter so I had to put some more humor into it!_**


	3. I Am Not Allowed To Write Arthur

_3. I am not allowed to write love letters to Arthur pretending they're from one of the knights, because he would really freak out._

At three in the morning, the brown hair girl smirked a very Morgana like smirk as she picked up the quill. She dipped it into the black ink and began to write.

Once she finished, she folded the parchment over and slipped it into the pocket of her breeches and slid out the door as if she was never there. She walked at a fast pace down the castle halls and stopped in front of King Arthur's chambers, bent down, and slipped the note under his door.

As she walked away, she couldn't help but wonder what his reaction would be. She almost felt sorry for him. Almost. Hell, she got up at three in the morning. If she felt sorry for anyone, it was herself. Or maybe Merlin, who she had tied up and locked in a closet so he wouldn't wake Arthur up and ruin her plan.

Later that morning, Arthur woke up to find a neatly folded piece of parchment lying on the floor next to the door. He figured maybe Gwen had left it for him or maybe Merlin, who was very late, had dropped it the night before. He reached over and picked it up, but never once did it run though his mind that it said what it did.

_Dear Arthur,_

_You look beautiful. __There has never been anyone in my life as special as you._

_Love,_

_Gwaine_

His expression was quite comical when he had finished the note. His eyes were as wide as one of the servants' trays and he kept opening and closing his mouth, looking somewhat like a fish. Eventually, when he snapped out of it, he chopped it to pieces with his sword and threw the pieces in the fire. He never wanted to speak of it again. Though chopping a little piece of paper up with a sword is a bit dramatic when he could have just ripped it up.

Needless to say he paired Gwaine with Percival or Leon during training from that moment on.

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**_Chapter 3, revised edition!_**

**_Big Thanks to: BlackBandit111, Lady Blade WarAngel, OhHowDelightfullyDreadful, HakuHunterNatural, CandyFiend, Rose-MaxareBadass, Januscars, Alalaya21, sunnybunny12345678, Januscars, Arwen2712_**

**_Wow, guys, I love all the feedback I am getting! I makes it all wothwhile! I know the last one wasn't as funny as I wanted it to be so I hope this makes up for it._**


	4. I Am Not Allowed To Cut Gwaine's Hair

_4. __I am not allowed to cut Gwaine's hair and blame it on Leon because Gwaine will freak out and try to chop Leon's head off._

The hazel green-eyed girl frowned at the goblet in her hand. Hopefully Gwaine would figure out it was Leon's, but he should because she had snagged it from the knight's chambers. She quietly opened the door and slipped in, scissors in one hand and goblet in the other.

She carefully dropped the goblet by Gwaine's bed where it dropped with a small thud. She wasn't worried about Gwaine waking up because she had slipped some sleeping medication in his drink earlier when he was at the tavern. Now, without further ado, it was time to get to work.

She picked up a random piece of rather long hair and cut it off near his scalp so it went from long to almost a centimeter long. She then grabbed another piece and cut it off near his ear. Another was cut near his forehead and another near his chin. She began to cut faster, fearing the potion would not last long, and the length of each strand cut got messier and messier.

She smiled down at the sleeping knight and slipped out the door without another word.

In the morning, Gwaine woke up with a pounding headache. He reached his hand up to move hair out of his face, like he usually did, but only found one or two pieces of hair there. Confused, he swung his feet up and off the bed of stood up. But, unfortunately, he stepped on Leon's goblet that had been left by the brunette girl the night before.

The rogue knight swore as he fell flat on his face. He stood and picked the goblet up. The first thing he noticed was his reflection. Gwaine gasped in horror. Random pieces of hair stuck up and each one was a different length. It looked like he had shaved on some parts of his head. The second thing he realized was that this was Leon's goblet. He should know, as Gwaine himself saw Leon drink out of it at every feast he'd been two.

Gwaine had his hair cut at night. Leon's goblet was on the floor. Leon came at night and cut Gwaine's hair. He stole one last look at his refection in the goblet. Leon would pay.

He picked up his sword and marched out the door. He passed by servant girls who normally swooned but now they just laughed. His scowl deepened as he walked across the lawn to where the knights were.

"Hello, Gwaine…." Percival seemed shocked but tried to cover it up with a smile

"Leon" Gwaine growled "Do know how this happened?"

"No, I'm afraid I don't." Leon raised an eyebrow

"YOU BLOODY WELL DO!" Gwaine exploded

Leon was taken back "Um…did you ask the butcher to cut your hair…?"

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**_Thank you guys so much for reviews and favorites and alerts!_**

**_Big Thanks to: Fenix Gryffindor, Januscars, Laura T, the electric phantom, AnotherMerlinFan, savisa, BlackBandit111, TARDIS BLUE PROPHET, Tolleren, HakuHunterNatural, Lady Blade WarAngel_**

**_I must say this one gave me a few problems so I hope you guys still like it!_**


	5. I Am Not Allowed To Ask Morgana Things

_5. __I am not allowed to run into to Morgana's hovel looking frantic just to ask her if she's in Slytherin because she has so many snakes._

Morgana was having a nice day. Well, as good a day you can have when you're living in a hovel. She had devised an intricate plan to take over Camelot and kill Arthur Pendragon and that servant who thought she deserved to be queen.

The plan was to kill Merlin.

Though, that itself is harder than getting the throne she so rightfully deserves. She had planned on using poison, give him a taste of his own medicine. Maybe Hemlock, just for laughs? The witch was going to lure him far away from the castle, say she's sorry and that she forgives him. Merlin being Merlin will believe her and when she offers him water she'll poison him, cackle, and then walk away and leave him in a ditch to die.

She had it planned out so perfectly, all written step by step nicely on a sheet of parchment so she wouldn't forget. But then, of course, something had to go wrong. All of a sudden her door slammed open revealing a smirking girl with brown hair and hazel-green eyes.

How _dare_ she?

Smirking was Morgana's thing. And this little, non magical, plain girl sure as hell wasn't going to steal that! Oh and there was the fact that who the door slammed open it startled Morgana and when she jumped she also dropped the roll of parchment into the fire she had set up beside her so she would stay warm.

The girl honestly looked frantic and not the least bit scared. Morgana was counting all the things this girl had done to make her mad and honestly she was getting pretty close to Merlin.

"Who are _you_?!" Morgana demanded

The girl's eyes darted to the witch "That is not a matter of importance!"

Morgana sneered at her "Really, well then, what is?"

The girls eyes moved from side to side, as if she was seeing if anyone was listening "Morgana…answer truthfully…"

The witch in question waited for her to continue but when she didn't she snapped out a bitter "What?"

"You have to promise…"

"Ok. I promise."

"You have to swear you'll give me an honest answer…."

"I swear!"

"Are you sure…?"

"_Yes!_ Just as me the bloody question already!"

The girl seemed very affronted at Morgana's snappish response "Fine. Are you in Slytherin?"

This threw Morgana off.

"_What_ is _that_?" she asked

"You know. Slytherin. Where all the bad guys come from." The brunette answered

Morgana's lips formed into a snarl "And you think I am in this 'Slytherin' place because?"

"Well…you're evil."

"And what makes you think that?!" Morgana thought she was quite good. All she was trying to do was restore magic to Camelot and help her kin. Never mind that she was attempting to kill her father, her brother, all her former friends, and unsuspecting innocents, right?

"Well…you try to kill everyone you used to be friends with on a daily basis and…well…you seem to like snakes. I mean how many people have you tortured with them? Let's see…there's Elyan and Merlin and-"

"Get out!" The pale skinned woman was beginning to grow tired of this girl. Especially since she was making things with completely innocent intentions seem like evil acts of treachery.

"Morgana, I just want an answer, so-"

"_Forbærne! Ácwele_!"

The girl ducked with a gasp as a fire-ball ripped though the air right where her head would have been.

"Now, that was just uncalled-"

"_Ástríce_!"

"Okay, okay! I'm going, I'm going!" the hazel green-eyed girl shrieked

Morgana smirked as she ran out the door. That'll teach her not to annoy a Priestess of the Old Religion. Her victory was short-lived as moments later the girl's head poked back though the door.

"But, let's be honest Morgana. We all know that's where you'd be sorted."

"Out!"

"Ok...Ravenclaw?"

"...What are you talking about?" Morgana had gone from annoyed to hopelessly confused

"...Hufflepuff?"

"Just GO!"

"So...it's Gryffindor, then?"

"I give up!"

* * *

**_Thank you guys so much for reviews and favorites and alerts!_**

**_Big Thanks to: Januscars, AmericanMerlinFemaleDragon, Random guest, Sexy Lama, the electric phantom, Anonymous, Lady Blade WarAngel, BlackBandit111, HakuHunterNatural, Lilli1000, TheEpicallyAwesomeME, Enzonia, MissSophieHolmes_**

**_Not my best. Oh, do you guys think I should name this OC? Just curious. Also, sorry for being so long. I have been sick. My meds taste bloody horrible but hey, new episode of Merlin tomorrow, right? Ugh, I still can't believe that this is the last season. Anyways, again, not my best. Also, should I do another one of these HP/Merlin crossovers only with real characters from Harry Potter? I mean, how many times have they said 'Merlin's Beard' or 'Merlin's Pants'? I have a feeling BBC's Merlin would having something to say about that!_**


	6. I Am Not Allowed To Give Morgana Hemlock

_6. __I am not allowed to sneak into Morgana's Hovel and leave a bottle of Hemlock with a note signed from Emrys a.k.a. Your Doom._

The very same brunette who had caused mayhem all over Camelot snuck into Morgana's Hovel at mid day. Morgana wasn't there. She was probably out doing gods know what to the people who used to be her friends. The girl paused as she thought about it then she shook her head. Morgana _seriously_ needed a hobby. Other than killing innocents, that is.

The green-eyed girl took out a glass bottle. It was a rather small bottle containing an acid green liquid. A piece of parchment was covering the front of the glassware. 'Hemlock' was written neatly under a drawing of a skull with a snake though one of the eye sockets. She set that down neatly on the table in clear view and dug though her brown satchel for something else.

"Where the bloody hell is it?" she muttered to herself

She eventually dug out a piece of neatly folded, but slightly crumpled, parchment. She laid it beside the bottle and, with a smirk, swept out of the room.

About an hour later Morgana pushed the door open, though it was difficult as she had fire wood loaded in her pale arms. The witch set the logs beside the fire-place when she noticed a bottle on her desk with a scrap of paper beside it. Now, that wasn't the shocking thinks. Parchment and bottle holding potions were scattered all over the small hovel.

She squinted at it as she got closer and she read the name printed clearly on the bottle.

"Hemlock..." she hissed

She hated that poison. It was the one the foolish boy she used to call her close friend had poisoned her with. Her hand was shaking as she picked up the note beside it.

_Morgana,_

_How are you and your friends? Oh wait...never mind. How are you?_

_From,_

_Emrys a.k.a. Your DOOM_

_P.S. Say hi to Merlin for me!_

Meanwhile in Camelot Merlin heard a loud shriek along with several...bad words...that seemed distant and far away.

"Hey, Arthur," he addressed the king "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Arthur replied, obviously annoyed about being interrupted while training "Don't be _stupid _Merlin!"

* * *

**_Thank you guys so much for reviews and favorites and alerts!_**

**_Big Thanks to: MCRLoverCarley, BlackBandit111, Januscars, Lady Blade WarAngel, MissSophieHolmes, A Million Mad Musings_**

**_Heh, I'm guessing not many of you liked the last one? Well, my loyal readers, I am terribly sorry. I had a major case or writers block and I hope this one is just a tab bit better. I'm sorry for not uploading soon but we have had Exams and States tests and evaluations I have had to study for! Remind me why they schedule the damned things so close to each other?_**

**_Oh, I also created a new one-shot about Morgana and Merlin's final faceoff called 'Twisted Smile'. I'd love it if you guys could check that out and leave a comments...you know you want to!_**


	7. I Am Not Allowed To Ask About Destiny

_7. __I am not allowed to ask the Great Dragon questions about my destiny or anything else because he'll just answer me with a bunch of damned riddles that'll make me mad. I am also not allowed to call him 'The Great Overgrown Lizard'..._

With a slight smirk, the brunette descended the long pathway that led to the Great Dragon, Kilgharrah's, cave. Her hand closed on the cold steel bar of the door and pushed it open. She almost snorted. How stupid were these people? I mean, she had easily snuck past the guards by waving something shiny at the opposite wall. If they were going to have incompetent guards, the should at least put a lock on the door. Seriously, Kilgharrah _is _the very last dragon and _very _dangerous.

She entered the cave and stood on the ledge. In the torch-light she looked like a ghost her pale washed out skin, large hazel green eyes, and rich brown hair pulled into a tight braid. She even wore a bright red cloak. She bit back a laugh. She passed, what? 4 or 5 guards and _none _of them stopped her.

"GREAT DRAGON! COME HERE!"

She waited a few moments that eventually turned to minutes and she started tapping her foot.

"KILGHARRAH! GET YOU OVERGROWN LIZARD BUTT DOWN HERE!" she shouted angrily

The large beating of wings was heard and eventually a large golden dragon was perched on the large rock like a pigeon on a tree branch. Although the comparison had quite a few differences...

"What? Why do you summon me...and did you call me an over grown lizard Mrs-?" Kilgharrah began to rumble but was cut off, like Uther.

The girl narrowed her eyes "SHHH! Be quiet! I am undercover!"

Kilgharrah seemingly raised an eyebrow "Undercover? As what? An annoying child that likes to pester and annoy everyone and talks until a persons ears bleed?"

"No! How do you know my name anyways?"

"I am a dragon. My kin and I could always unravel the truth that hides in everyday life and reveal the great destinies that fate has had planned for many years."

The green-eyed girl gave him a blank look "...What?"

The large dragon sighed "I am afraid your simple-minded brain can't process what I am talking about, even though I am speaking quite clearly."

"Hey! I _know _that was an insult!"

"Obviously."

She huffed "Well. I want to know. What is my destiny?"

"To annoy everyone in and out of Camelot."

"Well, I appreciate that you have stopped talking in riddles but that was rather blunt. I like riddles better."

The dragon narrowed his eyes "So, you would like me to go back to revealing the mystical ways of destiny and fate and their plans for their pawns in life hidden behind a smokey screen?"

"Now your just being difficult!"

"You are one to talk, the annoying one."

"_That's _my tittle?!" She looked at the dragon with wide and unbelieving eyes

"Yes."

"Well, then yours the Great Overgrown Lizard!"

"If you call me that again, I will burn you to a crisp."

"Yes, Great Overgrown Lizard!"

* * *

**_Thank you guys so much for reviews and favorites and alerts!_**

**_Big Thanks to: Cinnimania, Amethyst M, HakuHunterNatural, Witch of Fire, Evangeline-PEV, merlinlost_**

_***Sigh* It's getting smaller and smaller...but...I'm just curious, you all like this story right? And anyways, you all have nothing to apologize for! It's me who should be apologizing for my lazy updating. But I mean, with so many follows and favorites...culd you please review. Oh god, now I'm just being pathetic...begging for reviews...**_

_**But, you could give me a really nice christmas present by reviewing! Also! Can you all believe it...Merlin is so close to and end...and did you all hear that promo clip? HE SAID I AM A SORCERER! ADJKFDGHKGJUIGSHGSIPOUGG! PLEASE LET HIM SAY THAT TO ARTHUR CAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD IF HE DOES NOT I'M GONNA DIE!**_

_***Deep Breath* Fan girl moment over. **_

_**Merry Christmas!**_

_**PS Music normally inspires me and my muse seems to be dieing...SO any suggestions for some good music to help?**_


	8. I Am Not Allowed To Give False Info

_8. __I am not allowed to pose as Eira and send Morgana false information that isn't really information at all but rather a rude comment because then Morgana will get mad and kill one of her guards._

The blond-haired woman scribbled the info onto a small piece of scroll. Before she could tie it to the raven's leg a voice came out of the darkness behind her.

"Eira..."

She whirled around, so shocked she dropped the parchment "I-I was just..."

Gwaine looked at her coldly "Sending word to Morgana?"

"No...no..."

Gwen frowned as she came out from behind Gwaine. She had known Gwaine had liked this girl only to have her betray him...

"M-my lady...no I wouldn't do that! I wouldn't betray you or the king!"

"And you didn't," Gwen assured the terrified woman in front of her "You can go to your death safe in that knowledge. We have intercepted the message and the king will be going in the opposite direction. Guards!"

The guards in chainmail came forward and grabbed Eria by her shoulders "Gwaine...Gwaine!"

The knight ignored the calls of the woman who had betrayed him and just away as she screamed for her life "Gwaine...Gwaine, please!"

Gwen placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled comfortingly, before turning and walking out of the tower, Gwaine and Giaus close behind.

The hazel green-eyed girl poked her head from around the corner, gaping. She knew it! Now, if there was only a way to get back at Morgana. She had been in Camelot a long time and if _anyone _was a traitor she found a way to get back at them and their leader. Now, since Eira was going to be hung she got to get Morgana. Perfect.

She slipped over to where the raven, quill, a scroll of parchment, and string still set. She stroked the raven's feathers to calm him down before ripping of a piece of parchment. She dipped the quill in what little ink Eira had left and scribbled something down on the parchment before, with a smirk, tieing it to the ravens leg and sending him out.

Needless to say Morgana was relieved when the raven finally came. The witch wanted both Emrys and Arthur dead for killing Mordred. She quickly untied the message before reading the few words scribbled of the parchment.

_Go to hell :)_

"ARGH!"

"Milady," a guard asked tentatively "where is the king? We will go and-"

The womans eyes went from green to gold in a second and the dead guard fell to the ground with a twisted neck. Morgana gritted her teeth...somehow Emrys was behind this...he would get tortured...but how?

Morgana gasped as an idea came to her. She remembered a while back that insolent child that came into her cabin telling her she was a bad guy. Morgana found her extremely annoying. Maybe if she locked Emrys and her together in a cell she would talk Emrys to death or he would kill himself to escape the torture.

All she needed to do was capture Emrys...

* * *

**_Thank you guys so much for reviews and favorites and alerts!_**

**_Big Thanks to: SuzzieSidle, Phantom, RubyFairie_**

_**Getting smaller and smaller...**_

_**Ok, I would like to ask how many of you have seen the LAST episode of Merlin? Well I have. But Eira, the blond girl Gwaine likes, turns out to be a backstabing little brat who tells Morgana vital info about Arthur's plans. Oh, major spoilers there. But I was thinking, what if she didn't send the raven and after the guards, Gaias, Gwen, and the traitor (Eira) left...why wouldn't you send something like that? It would be rather funny...**_


	9. I Am Not Allowed To Write From Mithian

_9. __I am not allowed to write a false letter from Mithian to Arthur and plant it where I know Gwen will find it because she might just try to defenestrate Arthur._

The brunette smiled deviously as she dipped her quill in the emerald ink and began to write.

_Dear King Arthur,_

_I am pleased things have gone along so well with Camelot and Nemeth, for I was worried since we broke our engagement war would break out. Luckily my fears were false and I am pleased to have Camelot as an ally. I hope things are going well with you and your queen._

_Sincerely,_

_Mithian_

She set her quill aside and quickly left the room. She walked at a fast pace down the hall for she had to beat Queen Guinevere to the King and Queens Chambers to plant the letter. She burst into the room and immediately knew it was the right one. If the bed sheets made of silk weren't a clear give away then she didn't know what was.

Maybe Arthur's stuffed dragon, Roary, setting on the bed?

Nevertheless, she placed the fancy parchment she had stolen, er, borrowed out of a random nobleman's chamber right in front of the door, in clear sight. Then, without a word, she left the room.

Minutes later Queen Guinevere opened the door to her and Arthur's chambers where she planned to have lunch with him after some sort of Kingly meeting thingy. She spotted a piece of rolled up parchment and, with a furrowed brow, she walked over and picked it up.

There was a royal seal on it.

It was surely for Arthur but hey, they even they say in your vows 'What's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine' or something like that. Sho hesitantly Gwen picked up the scroll and broke the wax seal. She gasped as her eyes scanned the page.

"ENGAGEMENT?!"

About an hour later Arthur entered his chamber he shared with his wife expecting a warm hug and kiss. That is _not _what he got. _At all. _

"So, Arthur dear, have you ever heard of Princess Mithian of Nemeth?" Gwen asked casually, like she was talking about the weather and not her husband being engaged to an ugly witch. Well, Gwen liked to think Mithian was an ugly witch.

Arthur paled at her stuttered a reply "G-Guinevere...I have no idea what you are talking about..."

"Oh, but you do!" Her brown eyes narrowed into slits "YOU were ENGAGED to HER while I was BANISHED! And ARTHUR PENDRAGON I suggest you move away from that window before I push you out of it!"

The young king winced at his wife's shrill voice.

"Guinevere...Gwen..." he tried pathetically to calm her down. And failed. Utterly.

So, for the next month no one asked why the queen was giving the king the could shoulder. No one asked what she was giving im the silent treatment. And sure as hell no one wanted to be the one to ask why her was staying with the Court Physician.

Not if you wanted to keep your head off the chopping block, that is.

* * *

**_Thank you guys so much for reviews and favorites and alerts!_**

**_Big Thanks to: SuzzieSidle, Januscars, SunnySmile1324, Amethyst3232, Canadian Ham, BlackBandit111, Enzonia, .Black, x suck my blood x luv ya x_**

**_Defenestrate: The act of throwing or pushing something out a window._**

**_I really want Gwen to get mad at Arthur when she ISN'T enchanted. Cause Series 2 wasn't enough. He was an ass. A complete ass to Gwen is Season 4 and multiple other times and she needs to get mad ONCE! Oh, by the way, I am very happy. Look at the 'Thanks to:' section and you'll see why!_**

**_You'll all amazing! Until next time!_**


	10. I Am Not Allowed To Dump Things On Gaius

_10. __I am not allowed to dump mud on Gaius and blame Arthur, because then Gaius would grab Arthur by the ear and make him clean the Leech Tank._

Gaius _was not _having a good day. There were two parents in the lower town whose baby had gotten sick and asked for his services but when the baby girl started to cry, the mother snatched her away and demanded he get out of their house. He insisted she needed to be treated but the woman would not budge. So, after 3 long hours of bickering and fighting, he was happy to head back to his office/house and relax.

Needless to say his mood was not improved when mud, dung, and he-did-not-want-to-know-what was dumped on his head.

As he wiped the disgusting mixture of his face, he looked down only to be met by an unholy sight. His new red robes were ruined! He scowled and thought of punishments he could give when he found out who did this. First, he would need a witness...

"Excuse me?" The brunette girl tried not to smirk when she heard the court physicians slightly annoyed voice. When she looked up it was all she could do not to laugh, and you could blame her. He was covered in that brown substance from head to toe. Looks like the plan worked.

"Yes?" she replied, trying to keep the laugh out of her voice. Noting Gaius's scowl, she figured she didn't succeed.

"Did you see who did, well, who did this?" Gaius motioned to himself

The hazel green-eyed girl bit her lip and tried to look scared as she whispered "I-I don't know if I should tell you...I could get in trouble!"

"Well, if you don't tell me, _you'll _be the one to clean out the Leech Tank."

"It was King Arthur!" She shouted a little to fastly, and got some odd stares from the people around.

Gaius looked shocked but nodded his thanks before turning on his heel and walking way faster than the brunette thought the old man was capable of. He had a certain King to visit.

Arthur _was _having a rather peaceful day. That is, until he got a knock on his door. And boy did he get a surprise when he opened it.

It was Gaius. Covered in a foul-smelling, brown, icky, gross something! Oh, and Gaius looked very angry.

"I will have you know that you will be buying me a brand new set of red robes! And you'll be cleaning the Leech Tank!" he ranted

The king was confused "Gaius, what _are _you talking about?"

"YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL!" The court physician exploded and grabbed Arthur by the ear.

"Gaius! I am not a child! Now let me go!" Arthur yelled as he was dragged by his ear down the hall and towards the Physicians Chambers. And the Leech Tank.

"If you want to act like a child you will be treated as such!"

Arthur simply crossed his arms and pouted.

* * *

**_Thank you guys so much for reviews and favorites and alerts!_**

**_Big Thanks to: Amethyst3232, iwha_**

**_Ok! So, as you see, I got 1 review and 1 alert/favorite! Come on! Are you guys mad at me cause I haven't updated in so long? I hope not. If I get review numbers like that every time I wait a while I'm gonna start updating everyday! Anyways, big thanks to you all who did, and, yeah, I understand if you didn't review. I often don't review cause I'm in a rush so I'd be a hypocrite if I snapped at you all for that!_**

**_ANYWAYS! CHAPTER 10 BABY! 91 MORE TO GO!_**

**__****_Amethyst3232: You are awesome! Thanks so much for reviewing and glad you like the word 'Defenestrate'! Personally, it's one of my favorite words along with 'Supercalifragilisticexpialid ocious' which is REALLY hard to spell! I'm thinking of doing a sort-of sequel to this one where he invites Mithian to Camelot and she DOES defenestrate him! Or...at least yell at him and get an eye twitch. What do you think? Anyways, glad you liked this and yes. Yes I agree. Arthur was an idiot in season 2, but they're so cute and the protective-ness is wonderful!_**


	11. I Am Not Allowed To Replace Potions

_11. __I am not allowed to replace Morgana's Sleeping Drought with a potion that will cause her to tell the truth every time she opens her mouth. Because then Gwen an Uther are going to get a big shock._

The brunette slipped into Gaius's chambers when he and Merlin were still asleep. She spotted the small glass bottle about the size of her thumb amidst all the chaos. Seriously, did Gaius _ever _clean his chambers? What with all the paper flying about you would only have to wonder how he found anything.

She picked up the vial with clear liquid a swished it around then the placed it in her small purse thingy that woman always seemed to carry around and set a identical one down on the table. She smiled deviously. That'll show Morgana for pretending to be good and fooling everyone. Even Merlin!

Then she slipped out of the Physician's Chambers silently.

The next morning a random servant showed up at Morgana's door because Merlin was busy with _something_, something meaning saving Camelot. The servant knocked and about 30 seconds later Morgana appeared at the door smiling.

"Thank you." Morgana nodded her head at the servant, who said a quick 'Yes, milady!' and shot off. The witch resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she closed the door.

"Who was it, milady?" Gwen inquired from where she was making Morgana's bed.

The dark-haired woman bit back a biting response. Why was it that servants, be it Gwen or not, _were so _bloody nosey! Instead of saying what she wanted to which was 'Why should you want to know? You have no right to ask me that' she replied how she would have a year ago.

"It was only a servant, Lilian I think, delivering my Sleeping Drought."

Then she quickly drank the liquid and wrinkled her nose "Agh! Gaius needs to work on his potion making skills! This tastes worse than horse dung!"

Gwen's head snapped over to Morgana with eyebrows raised so high they went past her hairline "Milady? Morgana? Is everything alright?"

Morgana sneered at her "No! Everything is not alright because I have an intolerable servant in my presence! Who are you to ask me such questions? Just because you have that little pathetic thing you call a relation ship with Arthur doesn't mean anything! Nothing! The throne is _mine_!"

With that last shriek she, resembling a crazy mad woman, swept out of the room, leaving a stunned and open-mouthed Gwen. What had Morgana drank? What about a throne? And, good gods, _why _was she muttering things about killing Uther?

To be honest Gwen did not want to know.

All of a sudden she heard a shriek of "GOT TO HELL!" from Morgana. Eyes wide she sped over to the door just in time to see Uther pass.

"What? I just said she looked nice in her dress! Is that an insult now? I really must keep up!"

So, a week later when Uther got slapped by a visiting Queen for saying she looked 'Like a ham stuffed into a sock!' Gwen could barely contain her laughter.

* * *

**_Thank you guys so much for reviews and favorites and alerts!_**

**_Big Thanks to: ofmagicandfantasy, heepwah2013, HakuHunterNatural, Amethyst3232, Jolokas, Ceizzy, FlYiNgPiGlEtS_**

**_Oh god, I haven't updated since February? Forgive me. I could rattle off a poor excuse but I am just gonna give you all the truth. I'm lazy and can partly blame writers block. But only partly. Anyways I want your guys opinion!_**

**_Should I write a Dark!Merlin story? If so, why do you all think he should go Dark? _**

**__****_Amethyst3232: Ha, yeah you're probably right! You'll never believe this but once in our 3rd grade spelling bee that was a word! The poor kid tried but when he got to 'e' he broke down crying! An I used to sing that song as a kid. Annoyed my parents so much. And yeah a net or trampoline is a good idea. we wouldn't want Gwen to murder Arthur. Murdering Arthur isn't good. Let's face it. Arthur acts like a child sometimes. Ok a lot of times!_**


	12. I Am Not Allowed To Wake Up Merlin

_12. __I am not allowed to whisper 'Merlin' in a mystical voice at midnight because then Merlin will be wandering around at night muttering things about 'dragons' and that isn't going to help Arthur's view on Merlin's mental health._

The girl with brunette hair made sure no part of her was visible under Merlin's bed.

"Man, doesn't he clean under here?" She whispered to herself as she tried to hold back a sneeze.

Taking a deep breath, and trying not to giggle, she began.

"Meerrrllliiinnnn! Meeerrrrllllliiiiiinnnnnn! MMMMMEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRLLLL LLIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNN!" She cried out, trying to sound mystical.

"Hmm wha-?!" Merlin shot up in bed blinking his eyes drearily "Not again!"

With a groan he stumbled out of bed and, still in his night-clothes, stumbled to the door.

The next morning Gwen hadn't seen Merlin and, frankly, she was worried. He was normally bouncing around the castle with a big smile but this morning no one had seen him. Finally she decided to as Arthur.

"Have you seen Merlin? I've looked everywhere!"

Arthur could tell his wife was annoyed and worried. He decided to get this over before she was annoyed and mad. There was no need for innocent lives to be taken.

"Do not worry, he is only in the stocks!"

"_What?!_"

Oops.

"Well, erm, you see...he was walking around at night!"

"Pray tell, Arthur Pendragon, when that became a crime?!"

Oh no. Her using his full name was _never _good!

His wife continued "I mean I asked the guards and they said her was muttering things about DRAGONS! Arthur, he may be ill...or...or dilusional!"

Arthur scoffed "Please, he was probably drunk and fantasizing about _flagons _of ale. Flagons, dear, not dragons."

The queen simply stared at him. Then she sighed.

"I suppose you are right. We really should get him some help, if it is that bad. He is spending far too much time in the taverns!"

* * *

**_Thank you guys so much for reviews and favorites and alerts!_**

**_Big Thanks to: Jolokas, Tolleren, Amethyst3232_**

**_I have been inactive for, about, a month and a half. I'm sorry, really. I know, I suck. Please, just please, keep your pitchforks and torches in your closets! I...dont have a good reason. Other than me being obsessed with reading and not being able to put my books down long enough to type. Thanks for sticking it out guys! _**

**__****_Amethyst3232: I can just imagine Uther being slapped XD Oh and, yeah, I am trying to come up with some ideas for the Dark!Merlin story. If you got any, PM me! I'm also starting to work on a Huntresses of Artemis story in the PJO category. Both will, hopefully, be up soon!_**


	13. I Am Not Allowed To Sing A Song

_13. __I am not allowed to give the guards a sleeping draught and sing the 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Song' at the top of my lungs outside Arthur's bedroom window in the middle of the night. Because that will annoy him._

Arthur was having a rather good dream that night. He and Gwen had gone on a ride but bandits had attacked and he killed them all and Gwen saw him as a hero. Like she should, seeing as he was a hero. Pfft, no, that is _totally not _ his ego the size of Camelot talking. Anyways he was having a good dream when all of a sudden...

"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious!"

The young king bolted up in his bed and looked around wildly. Nope. There was not, in fact, a hyena bellowing out laughs. He settled down back into bed beside his wife, Gwen. Arthur was just about to go to sleep but then out of the blue...

"If you sing it loud enough you'll always sound precocious, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"

Arthur narrowed his eyes and, ignoring Gwen's sleepy mumbles, marched over to the window. He looked out and saw nothing but the empty streets of his kingdom. He looked back at his wife who was still sleeping peacefully and wondered how she did it.

He was also wondering where the hell are guards when you need them?

Meanwhile, the hazel eyed girl smirked as she saw a shadow in the light of the window. She had given all the guards a sleeping draught so they wouldn't interrupt her. They were all currently knocked out at their stations. Though, she couldn't help but wonder, maybe Arthur should get some new guards. All 12 of them got knocked out, a potion shoved down their throats, and gagged.

By a young and scrawny girl.

Just as she took a deep breath Arthur was thinking he was just going mad, of corse it was Merlin's' fault, and was just about to go to bed. I think you know what happened next.

"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, if you sing it loud enough you'll always sound precocious, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Oh, if you sing it loud enough you'll always sound prec-"

"NO! YOU WILL NOT SOUND PRECIOUS!" Arthur bellowed out his window, his right eye twitching.

All was silent and the king heaved a sigh of relief. Gwen was still asleep, the horrid pest was gone, and he could get back to dreaming.

"ARTHUR! Some of us are trying to sleep!" he swirled around to see Gwen glaring at him "Go down to Gaius's Chambers and sleep there if you're going to yell!"

Two of those things were true. The horrid pest was gone and he could get back to dreaming.

Arthur looked like a kicked puppy "But Guine-"

"Do _not_ Guinevere me! Go!"

As Arthur shifter on the workbench Gaius had given him he sighed. The old physician had not been happy at him waking up in the middle of the night and told Arthur if he made a peep that his lips would be sown shut. He shifted again. No more dreaming, he thought, at least that pest is gone!

""Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, if you sing it loud enough you'll always sound precocious, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"

"You have _got _to be kidding me!"

As the notes were sung (i.e. yelled) out he groaned. He just hoped Gaius wouldn't fulfill his promise.

* * *

**_Thank you guys so much for reviews and favorites and alerts!_**

**_Big Thanks to: Silmarilz1701, Lollipopswilltakeover, Amira Wayne, BoDidley, Porcelain Maiden, The Sorceress's Apprentice, Aimee, AmethystWren_**

_**Ok, so I have no words to say how sorry I am. Schools a pain in the ass, I had way to much homework, and just...yeah I am a terrible and lazy person. Just, sorry guys. Really sorry. I hope this chapter is funny enough to make up for me being MIA though. Cause if it's not I will be sad. So yesh, read and review and favorite and follow my faithful readers!**_

_**AmethystWren: Lol no problem. I can't think of any dark!Merlin ideas either. Also, let's all be honest, we would want to scare the crud out of Merlin or at least freak him out by doing that!**_

_**Aimee: Yeah, I was just MIA. I do that sometimes. But no worries, I shall be doing many more of these!**_


	14. I Am Not Allowed To Dump Stuff On Arthur

_14. I am not aloud to empty a chamber pot on King Arthur's head. Because there will be a very dirty and smelly king who will most likely blame Merlin._

The brunette was walking down the hall, disused as a servant, trying to get to the window above the training grounds quickly. She had left a very stinky Chamber Pot up there and if it was taken away by the poor, unsuspecting servant who had the misfortune of coming across it, then her plan was ruined.

She quickly came to the triangle oval window thing. I mean, seriously, couldn't the architect choose either a triangle _or _oval? Apparently not because in front of her was a Triangle-Oval-Hybrid window. Anyways, shoving aside the thought of how weird the window was, she brought out a nose clip and stuck it over her nose. When she was sure she couldn't smell anything, she hauled the pot onto to the window base and looked down.

Arthur was standing right below the window, right below her and the chamber pot. She smirked. Perfect.

Said king was having a very good day. He beat every single one of his knights and then used Merlin as a practice dummy. Then Gwen had stopped by, kissed him on the cheek, and then told him she wanted them to have lunch together. He smiled at the thought of his beautiful wife, with her curly hair, brilliant smile, and lovely brown-

"WATCH OUT BELOW!"

Luckily for the knights they had been paying attention and quickly jumped out of the way. Arthur, however, was not so lucky. Absorbed in his thoughts about the Queen, he had not noticed the liquefied waste until it was on top of him. Quite literally. The horrid stench reached his nostrils and he looked around to see where it was coming from. The he noticed everyone laughing their asses off. Then he noticed the brownish yucky slime covering him.

"MERLIN!"

Because _everything _was Merlin's fault.

* * *

**_Thank you guys so much for reviews and favorites and alerts!_**

**_Big Thanks to: The Sorceress's Apprentice, Rocky Pond, Fabala Throp, Linnea.E, AmethystWren, Aimee, The red headed girl, Hero of Locksley, Julia is an Angel, JXeleven, jedidah, shoshierose_**

**_Oh my god I just realized how amazing all of you are! I reread though all my comments (ALL 74) and I just want to say I appreciate you guys so much! I love hearing that bing from my phone saying I got a new e-mail! You are all so amazing! I know this isn't my best, but I hope you guys still like it! Also, don't worry about me abandoning this story. I still got 87 chapters to go!_**

**_PS: I'm going for 100 reviews. I know its a bit much, but in the next few chapters I think we can do it! Also, this story has gotten NO flames yet! WAHOO! So ya, 100 reviews! We can do it guys!_**

**_AmethystWren: LOL I love that song too! And Arthur should know Gaius never goes back on his word!_**


	15. I Am Not Allowed To Distribute Caffeine

_15. I am not allowed to give Merlin caffeine because Gwen and Arthur will think he's been enchanted by some evil sorceress that wants them all to die._

Smirking, the hazel-green eyed girl dropped exactly 5 drops of the potion on the food before tucking the vile of brownish liquid back in the pocket of her maids apron. Taking a quick peek around The Physician's Chambers, she made sure there was no sign she had ever been there. Satisfied that everything looked normal, she exited quietly and waited for the aftermath of what she had just done. It would be _quite _entertaining.

For her that is. For everyone else, especially the king and the knights, it would be a living hell.

Ten minutes later Merlin came out of his room and, trying not to wake Gaius, her quickly grabbed an apple and made his way out the door to start his day as the King's Manservant. Little did he know, as he took a bite of the shiny red apple, that he had one interesting day ahead of him.

Hours later, the king woke up to see no sign of Merlin. Gwen blinked her eyes sleepily and propped herself up on an elbow.

"Arthur, what's wrong?"

"Nothing dear, Merlin's just being as incompetent as ever."

Gwen just rolled her eyes at her husbands antics before realizing how late it was.

"We should get up, you know..."

"5 more minutes?"

"No. Up, get up now!"

Guinevere got out of the bed and opened the curtains, allowing beams of light to brighten the room. Arthur grumbled, but he knew not to provoke his wife. Gaius's workbench is very uncomfortable, and he didn't really fancy another night sleeping on it. He wondered if Merlin had slept in or, even worse, was drinking in the tavern.

"I swear, I'm going to ban him from going to that tavern! He's even worse that Gwaine!"

"Umm...Arthur...Merlin's not in the tavern..."

He looked at his wife with a raised eyebrow "Then where is her?"

"There."

Arthur walked over to the window that had a beautiful view of Camelot and the training grounds. But the King of Camelot wasn't paying attention to that, no, not at all. He just watched with wide eyes as the chaos unfolded in the Training Grounds, centering around Merlin and his Knights.

"Gwaine, Gwaine! Slow down! You need a hair cut!"

Merlin chased after the long-haired knight, waving his sword back and forth in a chopping motion. Gwaine just shrieked and continued to run from the deranged servant. Really, who knew Merlin could be so damn scary? Leon was in the corner, weeping over what looked like shards of wood. The shards had once been his beloved crossbow. He had been perfectly happy, practicing shooting the targets at challenging distances. Then Merlin came.

He was screaming at the top of his lungs about how Gwaine needed a haircut and had promptly grabbed a sword to cut said hair. Leon had been none the wiser. Until Merlin had plowed over him, smashing his crossbow to pieces. Elyan and Percival had just been staring on in shock, wondering what the hell had happened.

Arthur and his wife looked at each other with perfectly matched looks of horror. Not even Morgana was this evil. Not even Morgana would do such a wrenched thing.

No even Morgana would give Merlin caffeine.

* * *

**_Thank you guys so much for reviews and favorites and alerts!_**

**_Big Thanks to: The Sorceress's Apprentice, Time's Quill, AmethystWren, Madkatt, Amandla123, . , ArielSprite_**

**_Ok! Come on guys 100 reviews! We can do it! _**

**_Shout out to The Sorceress's Apprentice, who gave me this amazing idea! Hope you all like it, it's a bit short but the next one will be longer. I promise!_**


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